One enchanted evening - I added two photos

Dan is so astute. I do try to get him to post as much as possible. Believe it or not I think I enjoy his posts as much as everyone else does. He just puts so much of himself into them I love reading them. But, I guess it's time for the mama to talk. I feel like I've been able to spend so much more time with Quinn lately. While we were in Providence they pretty much kept him sedated because of his surgeries and he had a lot of tubes and wires in him, so all I could really do was look at him and stroke his head. Also, they had rounds and change of shift at which time (understandably) we had to leave the ward. But this happened every couple of hours for at least an hour. Here Quinn has been much more awake, we don't ever have to leave the room, and as you've seen he has much less equipment sticking out of him so, as Dan mentioned in his post, I was finally able to hold my son!!!!!!


(I have more pictures, the camera died before I could get them on the computer, I will put them on later)

I had such a wonderful even with my son yesterday. It was pure bliss. I sat there holding him stuck in one of life's most perfect moments for hours fighting back tears (unsuccessfully might I add) thinking that this is the way life should be for all babies. Babies should be held by people who love them as much as possible, especially when they are in pain.

I feel like I've been waiting so long to hold him. In the same instant though, I look down at him and can't believe he's here, a little mix of Dan and I. It floors me what an enormous thing this is and what a little miracle he is.

It's funny, one of the nurses today moved a chair for me today even though I told her I could do it. She looked at me and said, you just had a baby remember, you should still take it easy. To which I replied, hmm, I guess I did just have a baby, but I swear that has to have been like a month ago. He was actually a pretty good delivery (I think, I have no comparison). No, contractions are not fun, but all in all it wasn't bad. My sister convinced me to call my doctor at 4:30p on Tuesday the 21st. I had been having contractions since 1 am the morning before, in fact Dan and I had gone into the hospital on Monday but were sent home due to lack of progress. So when I was still contracting on Tuesday and hadn't had much sleep since Sunday night I just wanted a little break to be able to sleep. I knew though if I called the doctor that they would tell me to go to the hospital. Since I didn't feel like anything had changed since Monday I didn't want to go to the hospital because I was sure that they would just send me home again. It turned out to be a good thing Sarah told me to call the Doctor because I had actually progressed to the point where they admitted me to the hospital. I called Dan to tell him to come home from work and Sarah stayed with me at the hospital until he got there. I was doing really well drug free until the doctor decided I wasn't progressing well enough and that they should give me Pitocin. After 1hr 20min of pitocin induced contraction on top of contraction, drugs couldn't come soon enough. Dan would tell you I was hitting him at this point, although I don't remember that, if he says I did I'm sure I did. I had really wanted a drug free labor, but anyone who has had pitocin the way I did will tell you how difficult that would be. Once the doctor put in the block (pain killer) life was great. I could feel contractions but only just enough to know when I was having one. When it came time to push, I didn't feel any pain at all, what a beautiful thing. Quinn came an hour after I started pushing without any tearing or the necessity of an episiotomy (yeah, thank you soo much Dan). So this is the point in the story where we find out there are complications and you all know what happened from there. I just didn't want Quinn's birth to be swept away in all that has happened since. It was a happy and eagerly anticipated moment. One that I'm glad Dan and I had without knowing what lay ahead. I think had we known there was going to be complications ahead of time, things would have been very different.

Looking good

I asked Steph to have a crack at updating this. And she asked me with what. That's gotta be her way of still wanting me to update everyone. From a productivity standpoint, Quinn has successfully had two needles inserted into his veins, one in each arm. That is great news for the little guy. Now he can relax for a bit and have a break from the IV team visits.


















Mom got to hold him today!!! But I wasn't around to take a picture. We also saw him smile twice. I've been in and out trying to get things squared at work. I'm lucky to have landed with a company that is allowing me the leeway to be with my family so much and still pay me in my absence. I've already depleted my three weeks of paid vacation for the year.













X ray team visiting.













For those of you checking this site a million times a day, I'm sorry it doesn't get updated as often as that. Right now things are relaxed. We met his primary cardiologist today, Dr. Marshall. Oddly, Quinn has now had a doctor named Daniel, a Dr. Lee, and now a Dr. Marshall. The doctors are still deciding when to operate on his heart. Normally doctors like to give the kid a few weeks or months to grow. However, some of the things his heart has shown are indicative of needing it repaired sooner rather than waiting.

I appreciate the things people are saying to us, and the phone messages with constant support. If I need anything, I'll have no shortage of people to turn to. Very humbling. Steph and I check this often and enjoy all the comments. Thank you. My son will be fine.

Noteworthy day

Early in the morning, mom and baby are sleeping, and very well deserved. I spoke with Steph earlier today about how so many people we don't even know are praying for our son and looking at these pictures. Some of these pictures aren't happy ones, and I asked Steph how she feels about so many people seeing them. She was hesitant, but decided they're all part of his story. But she mentioned that using discretion on my part wouldn't hurt. We are both very surprised and grateful for the amount of people supporting us.

Having said that, moving chronologically, Quinn's morning had the makings of another arduous and pain stricken day. Today he was visited by some pediatric flesh welders.













Not really. What the nurses are doing is using a light to find some veins for another IV. His previous ones had to come out because his veins were so tiny that not all of his meds were entering his blood. That means he was not receiving the dose of pain med that the doctors had thought for his previous arterial line attempts. Once again, tough break Quinn. More unsuccessful attempts at inserting a line. They placed a blue sheet over him to keep the environment sterile. Now not only could he not cry out, he couldn't even show pain.













Dad got down to look at his face to be right there with him. This is where I'll use discretion with the pictures. But watching his face isn't something I've figured out how to prepare for. The nurse is saying it's actually harder on me, and I'm thinking to myself, come look at his face lady. The nurse started singing softly to Quinn, which was very kind, but he wasn't calming and his heart rate wouldn't come down. So they stopped.

Here's my little wore out champ resting up for more of the same to come.

If they don't get the arterial line into his arm, they will have to use one going into his groin which raises the risk of infection. Steph wishes they would stop trying, but if it weren't important, they wouldn't try at all. Later in the day, his breathing tube was removed and he is breathing all on his own.

His face is sill pretty swollen, which explains why he looks like a little old oriental man. But now Quinn can make noise and I'm so glad for him. He cries, but it doesn't really qualify as a cry since he sounds like a squeaky gremlin. The nurses gave me this little rubber nipple that fits over my finger. It keeps him occupied and kind of removes that ticked off look from his face.














I'm proud of him for enduring everything. And sorry that there's more to come. He's hanging in there good, and has a ton of supporters beyond who mom and dad can name. Thanks again from my family to all.

To the pain

The hospital has accommodations for Steph and I. There is a sleep area for parents to rest. It's a few beds in an open bay area, kind of like an old military barracks. 4am and Steph and Quinn are sleeping. Comfortably I hope. I finished another coffee and found that the room Quinn is in has wireless internet. So I've got the mid watch with my new little buddy, and I've got time to update this blog which has sort of morphed into a journal for me.

I'm glad Quinn won't remember these days. Mom hates seeing him in pain without the option to cry. His face is swollen and puffy from fluid build up due to his recent operations.

Upon arriving at Boston children's hospital, it was more needles and incisions waiting for him. Steph did not want to watch him go through any more of his torment, and wouldn't look at him. I told her it was OK, and that I'd watch him. The first thing the doctors wanted to do was insert a line into one of the arteries in his wrist. In providence, this was attempted a few times unsuccessfully. It looks very tricky to try and get a needle point into a tiny newborns artery. Quinn had a scowl. The doctor would spend a few minutes putting the needle into his wrist and move it around to get it into the artery. Each time he retracted and reinserted the needle, Quinn's face would contort and turn red, his hands and feet would clench, but he couldn't make a sound.

After spending about 15-20 minutes on one wrist, the doctor moved to his other wrist for another 15 minutes of the same routine with no success. Watching this was a little more heart wrenching than I imagined. After only a few attempts with the needle, and watching Quinn just have to swallow the pain, my knees got weak and I felt about ready to wet my pants. Talk about being no help to anyone. Steph asked why I watched, and I told her. He's my son, I can't ignore his pain, and I don't want to miss any moment of him impressing me. The doctors never could get the needle into the intended spot, so all the pain and squirming became just another part of his ordeal. Tough break Quinn. The doctors then asked me to step out of the room. They do this anytime they are going to make incisions. Another tube into his groin area, and a replacement of the existing tubes. They do not plan on operating on his heart tomorrow. A separate surgeon took a look at his esophagus and intestinal repairs. He told us the repairs look good and he's still coming along fine. They will run a leak check in a few days to test how well they've healed. They will put a dye in his digestive system and monitoring the flow.

People have been complementing Steph and I on how strong we are being and how well we are handling the situation. I would say one reason is that no one has seen me come apart yet, but that's no accident. That's what bathroom stalls and dark parking lots are for. If you've ever been the parent of a new infant who hasn't gone through an experience like Quinn's, I just can't recommend it. If you gotta take em to Boston, make it a trip to the aquarium or something. Besides, I know things could be a lot worse. I am much more impressed with Steph, who still has yet to hold him. Between her and Quinn showing me so much resiliency, I have two huge blessings right there. Then all the friends and family. Thank you guys. I know I would like the updates if this were happening to someone I cared for, that's why I'm doing this. I will continue to keep you guys up as often as I can. One more day closer to getting Quinn past all this.

Hey Joe. What movie. ~ "He won't cry...So I cry for him." I've been wanting to use that line on Steph but she's not cooperating.

Real quick for you all

I went to work today while Steph stayed at the hospital with Quinn. About noon time I got a call from Steph letting me know that he was having some low oxygen level spells and increased heart rate every time they reduced his morphine. I don't think he's quite ready to feel the pain of the surgeries, especially with his tetralogy of fallot condition (his heart). The decision was made by the doctors to move him to Boston where they have a unit that specialises in heart conditions.
So I let the guys at work know that I had to leave immediately. Gotta go help my son with his morphine addiction, and came to collect my wife for a trip up to Boston. Work has been good about letting my son dictate my schedule. We have a bag of dirty laundry and the clothes on our backs for tonight so this should be interesting. So many friends and family have been offering all manner of assistance which is great. Steph is taking a few minutes to finish getting ready and then we'll be off. Updating this is easier than trying to call everyone. So I logged onto a computer in the lobby to update you all while I wait for Steph. And then we'll be off. Thank you all for your support.

Interesting enough

I'm sitting with Quinn earlier today, and just like nothing, he calmly opened his eyes and started looking around. I know parents tend to get excited about the smallest thing their child does, but I haven't seen his eyes since the first moments after he was born. He's still sedated and has spent the last few days with his eyes shut. So I quick drew my camera. His eyes are blue so far. They put another IV into a vein on his forehead, the poor guy.

Well, put a fork in me. So far dads the big cry baby. When Quinn wants to cry, he'll make the angry faces but no sound will come out because of the tube down his throat. So he eventually gives up.

Man that's gotta suck! I use to always wonder how I'd handle a baby crying. Now it's all I want to hear. I'm not going to hold back when it comes to putting pictures up because as of yesterday, even grandparents are no longer allowed into the IC unit until further notice. This is due to a threat of a recent respiratory viral infection brought into the nursery. So this blog is the only way that friends and family can see him. I have no problem being obligatory.

Hey dad, does this face look familiar to you?

Steph and I got a visit from a nice group of friends and family today, and as was evident, we are all in good spirits. Quinn continues to show his doctors and examiners that he's coming along fine. And while I'm so thankful for what these doctors can do for him, I can't wait for this part of his life to be over.

Post op pics

These pictures may look a little disturbing to anyone who has never seen a baby so young on the surviving end of a few major surgical procedures. Quinn seemed to surprise everyone today with what a cool customer he was throughout these high risk surgeries. No matter what happens going forward, I will be forever impressed with him just for the odds alone that he faced and the manner in which the doctors called miraculous.
He may not look like a happy camper, but take a look at all the tubes invading his little body, the tape that's contorting his handsome face, the incisions, and tell me who would be.

Back when I first got news from Steph that she was pregnant, I spent a lot of time imagining things and wondering what the future was going to be like. None of this was ever something that crossed my mind. I think it's kind of rare for a father to spend the first night of his sons life alone with him. Life slows down at night when there's no one else but he and I and I get a lot of uninterrupted time to think. I'm not home changing his diapers or waking up at night from baby cries. I just hang out for hours and hours looking at him and watch him breathe and fidget about on occasion. I find myself saying prayers while I watch Quinn sleep all doped up on morphine, and I realize and accept that I'm just another guy saying prayers only when I'm in need. But the time spent hanging by his side, where the two of you have no where else to be and nothing better to do. I pray all I want.

I have this little camera with me and I'm taking a ton of pictures and videos. It's a little tough to talk to him, but I say things. I'm not exactly new at it since Steph insisted I addressed him directly while he was still in the womb. Now I'm just looking at his face instead of my wife's belly. He is interactive to a degree. He grips things.

And he makes plenty of faces that make me laugh. Steph and I are sort of taking shifts being with him at night. This was mom during a turnover.

Steph only ever wears makeup for what she considers special occasions. So far Quinn has got us on Channel 10 news, and an article with pictures in the Providence Journal. I think it's funny that she's always wearing my T-shirts with no makeup and winds up being interviewed on TV that way. It was more because of our situation during Thanksgiving that we got publicity.

There's a few reasons for all my sudden talkativeness and activity on this blog. I never realized how many people look at this, I'm tired but can't sleep, and Quinn has kind of turbo charged my passion for life. And since Quinn has no say in what pictures I reveal to the world, here's one for good measure. He can get me back later.

It takes a face like that to redefine every priority I have in life. I can't help but laugh in the midst of fighting back tears. To those of you who know me well, it wasn't long ago that I thought a miracle was something like the patriots winning that first superbowl or the Sox coming back against the Yanks to win the pennant. Ask me now and I'll be singin you a different tune.

Our little trooper

I just want to start off by thanking everyone for their prayers, well wishes, and phone calls (even though we don't really answer them, we get your messages and really appreciate them). It's been so wonderful to know you're all (even people we've never met) following along with us. So, the latest update. Quinn went in for surgery this morning around 9:30 and came out around 5p. He made it through his surgeries very strong and allowed the doctors to fix everything they had wanted to fix which was actually more then they thought they would be able to. The doctors detached his stomach from his trachea which means that bile is not longer flowing into his lungs. They attached the esophagus to the stomach the way it's supposed to be. They were even able to go down and fix his intestine, which actually turned out to be a bit different then they first thought. When they got down to his intestine what they found was the pancreas had wrapped around part to the intestine and was squeezing it. So they severed the intestine to remove it from the intestine and reattached it to itself. SO long story short, he has one direct pathway from top to bottom (literally). It's kind of cool, the doctors have told us that there are a couple of patients in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) with one or two of Quinn's problems, but there is no one else with all of them so they find him very interesting. Regardless, I'm so proud of him, he pulled through as well as we could have hoped for. Keep up the prayers though, the doctors have explained the the next couple of days could be as challenging as the surgeries themselves. This is because they were able to do so much and change so much Quinn might need a little help adjusting at first. We'll try to update this anytime something new happens so check back when you have a chance.

Tough start

Quinn Lee is in stable condition. He chose a good day and age to come into the world. He was born with an uncommon combination of a few common anomolies. Outside he looks fine, but inside, he'll require a few surgeries to get him working proper. My insurance company is gonna have to break out the checkbook. Let me do the best I can to explain.
Right after he was born, the doctors noticed he was having trouble with too much fluid remaining in his lungs. They went to drop a suction tube down his throat when they ran into another problem. His asophogus was not fully connected to his stomach. So suddenly he was being transported to the Women and Infants intensive care unit for further eval. Steph remained at the hospital to recover from the child berth while I went up to Providence to be with our new son.
In Providence, they found two holes in his heart and some underdevelopements that will require surgery to correct. They found his intestine not fully developed, and a few anomolies with his asophogus, and windpipe. All of these are completely fixable with todays doctors, but timing has become the issue with him being so young and the doctors wanting to make sure his heart can handle the operations.
The first day of his life has been unexpected and I feel awful for what he has to go through. The night he was born was quickly pulled from a sentimental moment to a whirlwind of decision making and doctor consulting. Steph never got to hold the baby, only look at him and touch him for a short while from a wheelchair. When I followed him to Providence hospital, the doctors wanted to have him moved to Boston hospital that same night for immediate heart surgery. I'm doing my best to relay this information back to Steph while reading surgical waivers, and still sound calm and optimistic. Well, Quinn's heart kept beating steadily and his blood oxygen level rose up and maintained. So the doctors shifted priorities of having him moved again. They will now be repairing the anomolies other than his heart because his heart is strong.
We are still in the IC unit in Providence. Steph joined me today and we've been hanging with Quinn. The poor guy has quit a few IV's and tubes going into him. The section we are in will only allow parents, and one grandparent at a time that is accompanied by one of us. Quinn is surrounded by tiny premie babies, so even at six pounds he's looking like the big kid on the block.
I have a few pictures from the first night that I spent with Quinn. It was day two for me without sleep. No sleep feels much different than it did at 20yrs old in the navy.

This is Quinn about two hours after his birth. He was moving around, breathing good, and crying.















Once Quinn and I got to Providence, I finaly got to hold him. With nothing to do all night but hang by his side alone, I got in some good bonding time. And a one of a kind true test of whatever emotional capacity I thought I had. I don't know how I looked, but I don't think I hid my nerves very well. A few of the nurses watched my face as the doctors explained the issues to me and began crying themselves.














When he cries or gets fussy, his blood oxygen level goes down because of how his heart pumps the blood. He stays on these calming meds that keep him pretty much sedated and keep his testoserone in check. So most of the time he's just asleep with the machines monitoring him.

And these are some close ups.

Like I said, he is stable and strong, and a bigger trooper than I would've ever imagined. I have more pics of the grandparents visiting and Steph before and after (not during) labor. I will be putting them up shortly. I just wanted people to be able to see him because he will be in IC for a good while. The word is over a month at least for the required surgerical procedures. Thanks everyone for having your thoughts with us.

He's here

His name is Quinn Lee. He was born Nov 22 at 3:09 AM. He is 6lbs. We are in the process of informing everyone. Pics will follow along with more details. Thanks everyone.

Oops...

Sorry honey bunch. I forgot you look at this blog too. I'm at work trying to take the edge off my brain by racking everyone elses nerves. For what it's worth, it worked. I feel better now, cause I thought it was funny. Thanks for putting up with me. I'm teaching you patience and discipline too huh? You'll be such a wise mom.

Please ignore the title on Dan's post

I love my husband, but I don't want people to get upset when they read the title of his post. He just likes to have fun.

He's here!!! And WOW!

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He's not here. Thats cousin Mary from a year ago. Sorry, it's just me messing with you all and this opportunity seemed to irresistible. I know that's evil, but that's how I roll with friends and family. However, I've spent much time recording times and lengths of Stephs contractions. They seem pretty hard and long. Then after several hours, they decrease in intensity and intervals. The kid has us all guessing, even the Doc. I even took a day off of work already because we thought it might be "time". But we thought wrong. So he's teaching us patience already.
Maybe I shouldn't be admitting this on here, but I wonder if the average man learns as much as I have during their wives pregnancy. Guys don't ever talk about what they don't know. That's how we try to sound smart. Every day seems to be some sort of lesson about the female body. From anatomy to hormonal tendencies. Very interesting stuff, but not typically the common topic for conversation. I could be better at this guessing game if I knew more. Even my buddies who have children. I wonder if they learned a lot during their woman's pregnancy or if it's just me who feels so ill informed. I know I don't feel obligated to talk about my wife's pregnancy to any of my buddies who haven't gone through this experience. I'd probably be right in assuming that they wouldn't care for the details. TMI. I've had only one friend who would even attempt to fill me in on the details of pregnancy. And it took ten years of knowing her and my own wife being pregnant for us to even engage in those conversations. And whats more, she seemed amused at how little I knew. At any rate, I thought I'd post for everyone that Steph is having contractions and the baby is getting periodically squished but nothing else seems to be changing.

Yup, still pregnant

Hey guys, I just want to keep people updated. We are still pregnant.

Happy little camper

Well, it looks like I've made life so good for this little man that he doesn't want to go anywhere anytime soon. Tiffani asked earlier if I had dropped yet and I didn't get a chance to tell her that I hadn't and I still haven't. Because of the extra fluid I have, he's still happily floating around in there, so who knows when this little guy is going to make an entrance. Other than that he's healthy, he's still moving around, his heartbeat is good, and he measuring just fine. I'll continue to keep you all posted.

Hip hip hurray

So, this post is only baby related in the sense that he can come anytime he likes now. I have successfully defended my thesis. Not just defended it, I felt good about my performance. Yay. There were two questions that I really didn't feel like I answered well, but overall I did really well with the rest of them. AHHHHH. I'm just so excited. I can't tell you how great I feel. I can breath much easier now. I feel badly posting this right after Dan's post though, so if you haven't seen his post from today, scroll down to it, it's really beautiful. I also just want to add a thank you to everyone who has been silently following along with us. It's nice to know you're thinking of us.

More thoughts

Thank you so much for all the comments. I thoroughly enjoy reading them. The Cisneros family brings about an interesting point of view that I've been pondering. The whole pregnancy process is easier on the man. We can tune it out if we want, and focus on other things and not have a constant moving and kicking reminder with us all hours of the day. There's no question it's easier for men. Being a guy rocks. But I don't think it's an entirely accurate assumption to say that I calm my own nerves by simply not thinking about the baby coming. In fact what I should have said was that the more I think about it, the more excitement and happiness I feel rather than nervousness or concern.
One of Stephs favorite conversation pieces for me is to hit me with every hypothetical question she can conjure up about what if our kid does this or that or causes all manner of chaos. And I humor her every time and answer each scenario. But I think the thing we all have in common as good caring people, parents or not, is that we know what values we admire and think are important. And from what I've seen, the biggest difference between good parents and mistake prone parents, is patience and conviction to the values that make them good people. And whenever I do feel nervous, it's from hoping I can keep that in mind when the going gets tough. I've seen kids give their parents strength. Every parent I know has talked about how children open your eyes and give you focus. Beneath the surface, Steph knows better than to worry about things she can't control. And I think she has every reason to be a very confident mother to be.
Jess, it will be nice to see you and show off my new son. You can spend all the time you want with him, but he can't see you on a dance floor until he's old enough. Kristin, your vote of confidence is always welcome, confused or not. You talk about Mary testing your ability as a parent as if it's all in the past. You're going to have a teenage daughter someday. I'd like to see a blog about that.
Also, I must apologize to anyone who thinks I am rambling. Sometimes I wonder if you all just come to stare at belly pics. I don't get to communicate as much as I'd like with the important people in life like friends and family. It's mostly the people I work with. But I am constantly thinking about this kid coming. I may not have nerves of steel, but I am trying.

Belly shots

Sorry to keep you waiting. She won't let me take pictures of her belly while she's tired, so it's a bit of an event for me to get these pictures updated.




















This is Steph's rocking chair. I don't care for the color so I decorated it with a few items. A little personality. She's asked me to use it a lot to help break it in, so I put it right in front of the bedroom TV.














I asked Steph last night if people ask if she's excited a lot. She said all the time. I get that question from everyone at work too. Well, only women ask that particular question. Makes me very curious to know how they'd react if I said "hell naw, it's just a baby. Happens every day. Ain't me givin birth". Of course I'm excited. It's not everyday that OUR baby comes. Anyway, the conversation with Steph was about how excited we each really were. I told her that I try not to think about it too much at this point, because it's getting so close that I'm making an effort to stay patient and calm, and go about work and stuff. I've always been a day dreamer, but work is going along at full throttle so staying engaged is discipline for me. Steph told me she is worried about the baby coming, because she's been thinking so much about all the responsibility and the fact that we'll be parents for the rest of our lives and all that. While all that stuff is true, I think they're the kind of thoughts that can psyche you out as a brand new parent. Maybe I'm just talking all big now, but I don't feel nervous. People don't do well when they're nervous. And the most reassuring thing I can think of to tell Steph is that she'll make a great mom and the kid is lucky to have her. I'll admit, my moments of getting really psyched happen when I'm on the long drive from work or doing some brainless chore alone for a while. But in the end, I really try to keep the focus on having a healthy boy. Welcoming him to the world and all that jazz. After that, it's nothing but hoping that things go according to plan. And everyone has their own stories about that. To those of you I haven't talked to in a while, I really miss you. Work seems to be the main theme in life right now, especially now that it gets dark out before 5:00. At least this baby will change the life theme. And as always, thank you all so much for supporting Steph.